Am I always to blame?

Every day I wake up and pray that today will be a good day...today my in-laws will be happy with me! Today I will be the perfect daughter-in-law...yet everyday I wake up to a phone call, text or email to say what a horrible daughter-in-law I am..how I am breaking up the family! Is everything I do wrong? Does spending two hours with my sister once a week if that mean I am putting her before my husbands family? Does trying to ensure my career is secure and I progress mean I don't care about family life (I mean I would quit..but how would we as a family survive?) Does dancing 2 hours a week mean I am putting my passion before my family? Surely not! Surely I am just a woman trying to balance all things in life...I still go and have dinner there every day, I still try and talk to them, I help wherever I can..I work late so cannot always make dinner but try and do everything else..even offer to make things the night before...I go out with them, never said no to any social event, wear what they want me to wear..talk to everyone in the community! Yet I am still not good enough...I'm not there enough..I havent taken responsibility of anything..I am not the perfect daughter in law..so what do I do? And everything is naturally interpreted as my idea..never have they thought that it could be their sons...that they are actually pushing him away and hence I am stuck in the middle of it! But somehow in some shape or form it will always be my fault..even if I wasn't even there....
The line at the end of this blog http://quackrites.blogspot.com/2009/01/daughter-in-law-dilemma.html will always stick in my head: "While a woman can work, and be at the top of her career, she may have kids and rear them real well, but at the end of the day, she still would remain the Indian daughter-in-law, forever vulnerable, and never quite up to the mark." How do you make it to the mark? What do you need to do? Cos feeling like you are not good enough every day of your life....well I think I have gone crazy!

one kitchen...two houses

The usual routine for us at the weekend is to wake up, clean and go to the in-laws. As that...they believe is the main house and really our place is just for sleeping and having friends round...everything else is done at the theirs...thats the "true home" so to speak. However this weekend we decided that we would stay at ours as the in-laws was out, hubby wanted to watch IPL which wasn't part of the in-laws channel package and I could get some much needed rest as well as do some extra work I needed to finish. The in-laws at the last minute invited some guests round (which was a whole different issue I will cover in another post) and so wanted the guests to meet me...however being a saturday night we already had plans so we said we would try and pop in...when we did...they mentioned to the guests that we lived at a different place and the reaction was "oh seperate??" to which MIL replyed..yes but only ONE kitchen...as in we cook together, we eat together but we live seperately!! To which I and the hubby were shocked at why do we feel the need to explain how we live...and so what if son and DIL do live seperate to parents..I mean..in-laws aren't living with their in-laws so why should we? Shouldn't it be follow by example? so what is the big deal? why should we eat together if we don't live together? Is it such a social shame if we do or doesn't it show that your son and DIL are actually capable of standing on their own two feet...

Should girls be brought up differently?

Yesterday I was discussing with the friend who is about to get married and just getting a taster into what married life may be about...not just the joys of being with the man you love but the baggage (sorry family) he brings with him. We went on to discuss how boys have been brought up and there seemed to be a lot of similarity between her fiance and my husband....until they got married they had mummy doing everything for them and after they have a wife...they have always been under the umberella of their parents and never had to venture out and do things by themselves...not even walk to a station...god forbid!!

However strangely enough, both me and my friend and all the girls I know have from a very young age been taught to do things ourselves and not just the house chores but looking after our finances, getting a job, walking to school, walking to a station and actually even taking upon ourselves to help our parents with their responsibilities..now some of you may think well thats right because at some point she will have to go and look after her own home and be independent..but is that really true??

Lets take married life for a girl...or for me...

We have to listen to everything in-laws say, abide by their rules (whether you live with them or not!), tell them everything, dress how they want you to dress and to be honest go back 10 years when you were a young kid and not know anything...they expect you to have been brought up the same way as their son..who relies on them for all the know-how and answers...so shouldn't parents of girls wrap up their daughters in a bit of cotton wool as well? I am not saying this to undermine women but to make their lives easier when they get married as then they will be used to these rules and lack of freedom..rather than having it all snatched away from them

Daughter OUT lawed...what does it mean?

After a few years of marriage and the usual ups and downs with the in-laws and not knowing whether all this was normal I have decided to share my views and experiences to the rest of the world in the hope to unite others who feel like this and get advice for myself (selfishly) and others from those who have managed to find the secret of survival with the in-laws. Do you feel that instead of becoming part of your husbands family they have kept you on the side line? Well then..WELCOME to Daughter OUT Law!

Tired of the trying hard to please the in-laws, the constant battle between modern life in the western world and the traditional values of an indian daughter-in-law, the promises to your parents you made as a child seemingly more distant, the arguements with the man you love, the guilt for arguing and making him choose between his wife and parents...and the millions of other dilemmas that are created once you go from a single indian girl to a married daughter-in-law, I hope this will become a window to every daughter-in-laws life not to bash the in-laws but to share the experience, knowledge and advice in the hope for sanity.

AND...before you think this is just the girls view my Husband will also be sharing his views in this blog...how he feels, are his parents right? or his wife? whose side should he take..Parents who have brought him up to be the man he is today or Wife who will grow old with him and bring up his children..till death do us part! Why is there a constant battle once a son gets married and what is the future for the next generation of in-laws... So men and women Welcome to Daughter Outlawed...a place for all of us to let off some steam when married life just gets a little too much to handle!