Fed up...

So I havent posted for a while as after reading "The Secret", I felt that maybe by talking and thinking bad things they are happening more - so instead of using this as a diary of what is going on and thinking negative I set out to be more positive on the situation. I started to believe that one day I will be accepted and the more happier and content I am the more likely my in-laws will see I am not out to be th mean daughter-in-law they are imagining.

However, there is no point me thinking positive if my FIL insists on conjuring up bad things in his imagination. He dreams up bad things even if they are not! He believes all women are evil even if he has sisters and after all they are also women! He believes he creates no evil but people around him are out to get him - including his own family! SO if thats what he thinks? What hope do I have?

Things did go well for a while - I seemed to feel part of the family..but all too soon I fell into the trap and now again I am getting abuse by phone and email about how all I care about is my family and my life. How I havent realised I am now a part of their family and they should be making all MY life decisions for me. I am even being threatened that when my BIL gets married I will have to think about his wife as my actions will affect her!!! (They not even married yet!!)

Everything seems to be my fault and I am an evil person plotting against him.

Most say MIL are the pain, but for me this is not true - if it wasn't for her and how she has now started accepting me and being proud of me and dare I say it even loving me, I think I would have gone crazy! However with my FIL i think I will never be able to please him and he will never see that maybe - just maybe - all my intentions are good and there is nothing evil about this woman who doesnt see herself as the family's DIL but as their Daughter who will always look out for them

Am I always to blame?

Every day I wake up and pray that today will be a good day...today my in-laws will be happy with me! Today I will be the perfect daughter-in-law...yet everyday I wake up to a phone call, text or email to say what a horrible daughter-in-law I am..how I am breaking up the family! Is everything I do wrong? Does spending two hours with my sister once a week if that mean I am putting her before my husbands family? Does trying to ensure my career is secure and I progress mean I don't care about family life (I mean I would quit..but how would we as a family survive?) Does dancing 2 hours a week mean I am putting my passion before my family? Surely not! Surely I am just a woman trying to balance all things in life...I still go and have dinner there every day, I still try and talk to them, I help wherever I can..I work late so cannot always make dinner but try and do everything else..even offer to make things the night before...I go out with them, never said no to any social event, wear what they want me to wear..talk to everyone in the community! Yet I am still not good enough...I'm not there enough..I havent taken responsibility of anything..I am not the perfect daughter in law..so what do I do? And everything is naturally interpreted as my idea..never have they thought that it could be their sons...that they are actually pushing him away and hence I am stuck in the middle of it! But somehow in some shape or form it will always be my fault..even if I wasn't even there....
The line at the end of this blog http://quackrites.blogspot.com/2009/01/daughter-in-law-dilemma.html will always stick in my head: "While a woman can work, and be at the top of her career, she may have kids and rear them real well, but at the end of the day, she still would remain the Indian daughter-in-law, forever vulnerable, and never quite up to the mark." How do you make it to the mark? What do you need to do? Cos feeling like you are not good enough every day of your life....well I think I have gone crazy!