A mother asks: "why do boys get married?"
Son replies: "so they have someone to look after them"
Mum replies: "No so that the family has someone to look after them"
Is it me or is there something wrong in all of those answers? Surely a boy gets married because he loves someone so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with this girl...to be with her, look after each other, build their own family and life together and grow old together. Surely the looking after the family is a secondary reason ...that comes naturally through love received from the family.
So how has it become the only reason to get married?? What is a wife then? Just a housekeeper? someone who cooks, cleans and looks after the family? Surely there is more to it then just that!
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Monday 18 January 2010
Speechless
I have so much frustration building up and so many questions in my head - yet they are the same as when I first got married, nothing changes and nothing has moved on...not even sure its worth writing about as surely its just the same old story to everyone else - which I just have to keep on living! Groundhog day - it never ends.....
Friday 15 January 2010
Tired of the same old story..
So, here it goes a new year a new decade...yet the same old story for me!
Nothing has changed and even when I know I havent done anything wrong - somehow my Father-in-law makes it wrong! Celebrate husbands birthday the way he wants to - then I didnt think about them and that they deserve to be included! Work extra hours as I need to further my career - then I am never at home, yet they want money from us? Will I ever be right? Will I ever feel that my actions won't be questioned?
However, today what has hurt me the most is how my parents are getting the blame for everything! If what we do is wrong, then my parents must have taught me. If we dont go and see them - then my parents must be like that! If husband comes to see my parents - then me and my parents must have forced him to see them!!!!
I'm sorry - I can handle everything that is thrown my way - but not when it comes to my parents! My parents are my idols! What my mum has done for us and her in-laws is what I have learnt and instilled in me as my morals and duties. From the way my parents love each other and show affection to the way they respect and look after each others parents. YET to this day my FIL believes THEY are sly to try and take us away from him!!
My in-laws have made my parents cry, have abused them in front of me, have said all sorts behind their back and yet I have not said anything! But should I stay quiet? Am I not disrespecting my parents by staying quiet? I dont care if my FIL tells me off, thinks I'm evil but when he says its my parents fault thats when my blood boils - and today it is at its brim where I am so close to telling him exactly what I think - the only thing stopping me is fear of what it will do to my husband! What do I do??
If it was the other way round, would my husband stand up for his parents? Should I as the woman even dream of standing up for my parents? Do I have that right? Is it becase we dont have a brother that my in-laws can get away with it? or is it because they are the girls parents that my in-laws believe they can say as they like as who will care?
ARGH!!!
Nothing has changed and even when I know I havent done anything wrong - somehow my Father-in-law makes it wrong! Celebrate husbands birthday the way he wants to - then I didnt think about them and that they deserve to be included! Work extra hours as I need to further my career - then I am never at home, yet they want money from us? Will I ever be right? Will I ever feel that my actions won't be questioned?
However, today what has hurt me the most is how my parents are getting the blame for everything! If what we do is wrong, then my parents must have taught me. If we dont go and see them - then my parents must be like that! If husband comes to see my parents - then me and my parents must have forced him to see them!!!!
I'm sorry - I can handle everything that is thrown my way - but not when it comes to my parents! My parents are my idols! What my mum has done for us and her in-laws is what I have learnt and instilled in me as my morals and duties. From the way my parents love each other and show affection to the way they respect and look after each others parents. YET to this day my FIL believes THEY are sly to try and take us away from him!!
My in-laws have made my parents cry, have abused them in front of me, have said all sorts behind their back and yet I have not said anything! But should I stay quiet? Am I not disrespecting my parents by staying quiet? I dont care if my FIL tells me off, thinks I'm evil but when he says its my parents fault thats when my blood boils - and today it is at its brim where I am so close to telling him exactly what I think - the only thing stopping me is fear of what it will do to my husband! What do I do??
If it was the other way round, would my husband stand up for his parents? Should I as the woman even dream of standing up for my parents? Do I have that right? Is it becase we dont have a brother that my in-laws can get away with it? or is it because they are the girls parents that my in-laws believe they can say as they like as who will care?
ARGH!!!
Tuesday 10 November 2009
Background...who knows..who to tell...
In response to Sharin and Robbie Deol, who have asked whether I have told my husband, in-laws or parents about my dilemmas..I thought it best to give you a background on who knows and reactions etc! SO here it goes....
Who knows
Well to some extent or another my husband and my parents know. My husband knows pretty much everything as I do not believe in hiding the truth and if it was the other way round I would hope he would tell me if he was upset with anything my family has done...which he has told me.
My parents know to a certain extent - I do not tell them everything however over the years they themselves have noticed a few things - and that is all they know. I do not want to tell them to the full extent as they will worry about my happiness and that is not what I would like them to do.
My in-laws however do not know - as far as I can tell! I have never once said how I feel to them and never will I! (I know you are saying why...the reason will come below)
Reactions/Results
My parents will never do anything in the fear of making things worse. And I would never wantthem to, in the fear of them being hurt. I would rather they believed everything was fine. At the end of the day every parents fear is that their daughter has ended up in the wrong family.
Husband - you ask what his view is and whether he sticks up for me? I cannot answer this fully and maybe in time he will post his opinion. In my view and what I have seen - he sees what is going on, doesnt understand why his parents are being like this and not something he EVER expected from them. However what can he do? If he says something to his parents, they stop talking to him, they tell him he has taken my side and I have made him say these things and made him stand up for me, they think even more wrongly of me...does he want that? No! He is split between his wife and his parents...do I want that? No! Do I want him to stop talking to his parents? Never! So what can we Indian women expect our husbands to do? Either way they lose!
All I can say is in this day and age - why would people still have this mentality? Why do people believe all women are evil! Why are there people in this world who no matter what you do for them always see the negative side? Surely Life is just to short to be angry and if they took a good look at me they would realise that all I wantto be is a Daughter to them with no secret plans to take their boy away from them - if anything I want their Boy to look after them and be a MAN who will take care of both his parents and wife! Is it just a dream to be a happy family? They say thats what they want...yet they destroy it at the same time!
Who knows
Well to some extent or another my husband and my parents know. My husband knows pretty much everything as I do not believe in hiding the truth and if it was the other way round I would hope he would tell me if he was upset with anything my family has done...which he has told me.
My parents know to a certain extent - I do not tell them everything however over the years they themselves have noticed a few things - and that is all they know. I do not want to tell them to the full extent as they will worry about my happiness and that is not what I would like them to do.
My in-laws however do not know - as far as I can tell! I have never once said how I feel to them and never will I! (I know you are saying why...the reason will come below)
Reactions/Results
My parents will never do anything in the fear of making things worse. And I would never wantthem to, in the fear of them being hurt. I would rather they believed everything was fine. At the end of the day every parents fear is that their daughter has ended up in the wrong family.
Husband - you ask what his view is and whether he sticks up for me? I cannot answer this fully and maybe in time he will post his opinion. In my view and what I have seen - he sees what is going on, doesnt understand why his parents are being like this and not something he EVER expected from them. However what can he do? If he says something to his parents, they stop talking to him, they tell him he has taken my side and I have made him say these things and made him stand up for me, they think even more wrongly of me...does he want that? No! He is split between his wife and his parents...do I want that? No! Do I want him to stop talking to his parents? Never! So what can we Indian women expect our husbands to do? Either way they lose!
All I can say is in this day and age - why would people still have this mentality? Why do people believe all women are evil! Why are there people in this world who no matter what you do for them always see the negative side? Surely Life is just to short to be angry and if they took a good look at me they would realise that all I wantto be is a Daughter to them with no secret plans to take their boy away from them - if anything I want their Boy to look after them and be a MAN who will take care of both his parents and wife! Is it just a dream to be a happy family? They say thats what they want...yet they destroy it at the same time!
Thursday 20 August 2009
Who am I?
I'm not loved yet not hated
I'm neither friend nor foe
I'm not blood yet thicker than water
I'm not wrong but not perfect
I'm not the devil nor an angel
I'm not your child yet you are my parents
Who am I?
Just a girl, or a daughter, family or enemy?
I am..just a Daughter-in-law who is the middle of all opposites!
I'm neither friend nor foe
I'm not blood yet thicker than water
I'm not wrong but not perfect
I'm not the devil nor an angel
I'm not your child yet you are my parents
Who am I?
Just a girl, or a daughter, family or enemy?
I am..just a Daughter-in-law who is the middle of all opposites!
Fed up...
So I havent posted for a while as after reading "The Secret", I felt that maybe by talking and thinking bad things they are happening more - so instead of using this as a diary of what is going on and thinking negative I set out to be more positive on the situation. I started to believe that one day I will be accepted and the more happier and content I am the more likely my in-laws will see I am not out to be th mean daughter-in-law they are imagining.
However, there is no point me thinking positive if my FIL insists on conjuring up bad things in his imagination. He dreams up bad things even if they are not! He believes all women are evil even if he has sisters and after all they are also women! He believes he creates no evil but people around him are out to get him - including his own family! SO if thats what he thinks? What hope do I have?
Things did go well for a while - I seemed to feel part of the family..but all too soon I fell into the trap and now again I am getting abuse by phone and email about how all I care about is my family and my life. How I havent realised I am now a part of their family and they should be making all MY life decisions for me. I am even being threatened that when my BIL gets married I will have to think about his wife as my actions will affect her!!! (They not even married yet!!)
Everything seems to be my fault and I am an evil person plotting against him.
Most say MIL are the pain, but for me this is not true - if it wasn't for her and how she has now started accepting me and being proud of me and dare I say it even loving me, I think I would have gone crazy! However with my FIL i think I will never be able to please him and he will never see that maybe - just maybe - all my intentions are good and there is nothing evil about this woman who doesnt see herself as the family's DIL but as their Daughter who will always look out for them
However, there is no point me thinking positive if my FIL insists on conjuring up bad things in his imagination. He dreams up bad things even if they are not! He believes all women are evil even if he has sisters and after all they are also women! He believes he creates no evil but people around him are out to get him - including his own family! SO if thats what he thinks? What hope do I have?
Things did go well for a while - I seemed to feel part of the family..but all too soon I fell into the trap and now again I am getting abuse by phone and email about how all I care about is my family and my life. How I havent realised I am now a part of their family and they should be making all MY life decisions for me. I am even being threatened that when my BIL gets married I will have to think about his wife as my actions will affect her!!! (They not even married yet!!)
Everything seems to be my fault and I am an evil person plotting against him.
Most say MIL are the pain, but for me this is not true - if it wasn't for her and how she has now started accepting me and being proud of me and dare I say it even loving me, I think I would have gone crazy! However with my FIL i think I will never be able to please him and he will never see that maybe - just maybe - all my intentions are good and there is nothing evil about this woman who doesnt see herself as the family's DIL but as their Daughter who will always look out for them
Wednesday 27 May 2009
Am I always to blame?
Every day I wake up and pray that today will be a good day...today my in-laws will be happy with me! Today I will be the perfect daughter-in-law...yet everyday I wake up to a phone call, text or email to say what a horrible daughter-in-law I am..how I am breaking up the family! Is everything I do wrong? Does spending two hours with my sister once a week if that mean I am putting her before my husbands family? Does trying to ensure my career is secure and I progress mean I don't care about family life (I mean I would quit..but how would we as a family survive?) Does dancing 2 hours a week mean I am putting my passion before my family? Surely not! Surely I am just a woman trying to balance all things in life...I still go and have dinner there every day, I still try and talk to them, I help wherever I can..I work late so cannot always make dinner but try and do everything else..even offer to make things the night before...I go out with them, never said no to any social event, wear what they want me to wear..talk to everyone in the community! Yet I am still not good enough...I'm not there enough..I havent taken responsibility of anything..I am not the perfect daughter in law..so what do I do? And everything is naturally interpreted as my idea..never have they thought that it could be their sons...that they are actually pushing him away and hence I am stuck in the middle of it! But somehow in some shape or form it will always be my fault..even if I wasn't even there....
The line at the end of this blog http://quackrites.blogspot.com/2009/01/daughter-in-law-dilemma.html will always stick in my head: "While a woman can work, and be at the top of her career, she may have kids and rear them real well, but at the end of the day, she still would remain the Indian daughter-in-law, forever vulnerable, and never quite up to the mark." How do you make it to the mark? What do you need to do? Cos feeling like you are not good enough every day of your life....well I think I have gone crazy!
The line at the end of this blog http://quackrites.blogspot.com/2009/01/daughter-in-law-dilemma.html will always stick in my head: "While a woman can work, and be at the top of her career, she may have kids and rear them real well, but at the end of the day, she still would remain the Indian daughter-in-law, forever vulnerable, and never quite up to the mark." How do you make it to the mark? What do you need to do? Cos feeling like you are not good enough every day of your life....well I think I have gone crazy!
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